I wake up at 4am, exhausted. My mind is whirring, my body feels stretched out and ropey. It's as though my blood has been poisoned. I want to throw up but can’t, I am sweating and my heart is racing. Every movement makes the nausea worse.
Crap, it’s only been three hours since I feel asleep. I hit play on my ipod and the soothing sounds of relaxation music start up. One hour and four relaxation sequences later I am still no closer to falling back asleep. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
The sun is now up and peeks around the edges of my curtains, this soft diffused light hurts my eyes like the bright glare of midday summer sun. I reach for my sunglasses.
Early morning songbirds are singing outside my window and their sounds pierce and reverberate painfully in my head. I used to love waking up to these birds.
My heart sinks, Is it going to be a Bad day?
Mentally I try and tug my heartstrings back up into their usual cheerful position but I suspect that today is one of those days, which are just meant to be endured.
Curling into a ball in bed, I try not to think of how far away I am from being a normal person. My eyes prickle.
I pull my eyemask down, put in my bright orange ear plugs with my headphones on top and I tuck my feet up against the hot water bottle.
I try not to think, I don’t want to hear my thoughts.
Instead I press play, listen and start to drift away as the words of an audio book gently distract me. I do my best to imagine the scenes described and feel myself getting lost in the story, leaving my sad and sorry body far behind.
That's my day. It’s been like this for months and will be like this for many months more which may, I understand, stretch into years.
Last thing at night I smile and tell myself, ‘It’s okay hun tomorrow will be a little better’