Last week Large Dad and Mum wandered into Anaconda to look at kayaks.
Mum: What about this blue one, it looks about right.
Large Dad: Yeah that’s what I want but maybe a bit bigger, this one is a little small.
Spotty Adolescent Sales Assistant: They don’t come in any size up. I think you will find it’s bigger than it looks, one size fits all.
Large Dad: the opening looks a bit tight to me.
S.A.Sales.Assistant: They are meant to be snug why don’t you hop in and have a go.
Large Dad: No, I don’t think so.
S.A.S.A.: I’m sure you will be fine, go on, give it a go (maybe he works on commission?)
Large Dad: righty oh
He squats down and slides awkwardly into the opening.
It IS a tight fit. The kayak seems to open up to accommodate his bulk as his hands press down on the edges.
Then he is in position he leans back and releases his grip.
The kayak sighs and closes tightly around his tummy and thighs. Eyes bulging he looks up at Mum.
Mum is backing away, her eyes are watering and her shoulders are quivering.
Large Dad: I’m STUCK
Spotty Adolescent Sales Assistant: Stay right here, I’ll go and get some help.
Large Dad: sure. (rolls eyes)
Loud Speaker: We need all available floor staff to assist in the watersports department. All available floor staff to the water sports department thank you.
Four athletic sporty men come to help Large Dad who is sitting on the floor with the bright blue kayak tight around his waist. There is a big grin on his face, he is happy to have proven his point.
Large Dad: I told the boy that it was too small for me, but he insisted.
They each try pulling him different ways to no avail. Large Dad tries to assist as much as possible but he can’t move much.
They discuss calling the fire brigade but no one wants to cut up the lovely bright blue kayak.
Then Large Dad has a brainwave. “lubricant”
Green washing detergent is squirted around the top of the opening and Dad’s stomach.
Two men hold the Kayak down and wiggle it, while another two grab Large Dad around the torso and pull.
Inch by inch the kayak relinquishes its grip.
Suddenly he is free.
Everyone smiles, hands are shaken and Large Dad goes looking for Mum.
He finds her in the carpark , she looks at him and doubles over next to the car, her eyes are streaming, her shoulders shaking, she can hardly breath.
Mum: You know your daughter has a blog ?